Men and sex....
In our society, we often assume that low sexual desire and sexual problems belong to women, while men perform consistently like sex machines! This is unfortunate, unrealistic, and can cause a great deal of shame for men who struggle with low desire, sexual trauma, performance anxiety, poor body image, and other problems that may affect sexuality. There seems to be many self-help books written for women about sex, but what resources are out there for men? When it comes to sex, we are often afraid to share these issues with the people who can help, like our partner, therapist, or physician.
In the book, Male Sexual Awareness (1998), Barry and Emily McCarthy suggest that men tend to hang on to "sexual myths" because they are expected to know everything there is about the subject. This leaves little room to question the myths and talk frankly about sex. How can you, as a man, begin to open up the lines of communication in order to realize a more satisfying sexual experience?
- Talk to your partner about what your needs are and ways you can meet these needs together. Your partner will never know what feels good and what doesn't feel good unless you express it. Experimenting with different ways of pleasuring each other can not only be informative, but exciting!
- Consider your sexual history. What were the sexual mesages in your family, your faith community, or your culture? Did you suffer sexual shame in some way? How were you exposed to sex? Were your early sexual encounters positive or negative?
- Explore your own body and be aware of the kind of touch you like, the pressure that feels good, the amount of friction you need, etc., so you can relay that info to your partner.
- If you suffered sexual trauma, seek help. There are resources to help you. Find a therapist you can trust and with whom you can feel safe revealing difficult feelings. Feel free to ask during the intital phone call if the therapist feels confident in this area. As a therapist, I would prefer that someone ask about my experience with an issue early on, rather than get weeks into the therapy and discover I can't help the person. You can find a therapist who deals specifically with sexual issues by going to the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) website: www.aasect.org.
- The solution may be something like a new position or a new way to touch, or it could be a pro-erection medication that may be needed. The point here is to seek the answer that will put you on the road to a more satisfying experience.
- Talk to your sons and daughters about sex! Don't let them fall into the trap of feeling as though men are sex experts. Let them know that it's okay to ask questions.
Here are some resources to help get you started:
Bader, Michael. Male Sexuality: Why Wome Don't Understand It and Men Don't Either. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield, 2009.
Bennett, Libby & Ginger Holczer. Finding and Revealing Your Sexual Self: A Guide to Communicating about Sex. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield, 2010.
Castleman, Michael. Great Sex: A Man's Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex. New York: Rodale Press.
Lew, Mike. Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Childhood Abuse. New York: HarperCollins, 2004.
McCarthy, Barry & Emily McCarthy. Male Sexual Awareness. New York: Carroll & Graf Publishers, Inc., 1998.